Raising The Girls Right: Randy's Sunshine, Twilight, and Bright Eyes are being raised to respect and admire NC State.Growing up in the great state of North Carolina, one can be assured of three things. I like to call them the "Three 'B's" : The Bible, Barbecue, and Basketball. Obviously, raising my children in the admonition of the Lord and following the direction given in the Bible tops the list of the "Three 'B's." After that, Basketball and Barbecue reign supreme.
Now, we don't need to spend much time on the Barbecue quotient. Obviously, the ONLY Barbecue worth eating is Skipper Forsyth's in Henderson. We'll have to save that debate for another day.
Today, my friends, is reserved for the third most important "B." Basketball. Any true North Carolinian knows to live here -- you have to belong to a team. You have four to choose from: NC State, Duke, Wake Forest, and UNC. Anyone who doesn't care -- or doesn't pick a team from around here is either an ignorant soul, or not a true Carolinian.
Make no mistake about it -- this decision is not an easy one. It has divided many a home. It has destroyed many a friendship. Heck, it probably has even ended some marriages. For instance: Say your family is a bunch of Duke fans. You bring home your fiancee who attends Carolina -- this could be a disastrous holiday gathering. You might be best served never to make it to the alter.
Just like good old Baptists won't marry those other than a Baptist -- a State Fan should not marry anyone other than a State fan. That is the key to my harmonious marriage. This household is solidly behind the Red and White. Now, we can pull for other ACC or North Carolina teams on occasion. All -but- one.
Let's make this clear: This household vilifies The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. There is no evil larger in our day (with the exception of Al-Qaeda and liberals) that threatens the very nature of our American existence.
Yes, my friends, this household's second favorite team is ABC. That's Anybody But Carolina. And we root for our second favorite team religiously.
For those of you familiar with the absolutely disgusting and miserable season the Wolfpack of NC State had this year -- you'll understand the disappointment that any State fan felt.
Likewise, there was little remorse for being able to circumvent our dismay when the devil incarnate school was constantly beating our second favorite team, ABC.
Then came last night. Every State fan's disappointment washed away over the period of two hours. Like the parched soil in the Triangle soaked up this week's rainfall -- EVERY State fan relished the demise of Roy Williams and his Tarheels in San Antonio.
This year's final four could have easily been called the "final three." Carolina looked every bit of an outcoached, outmanned, and outclassed team.
The joy of their demise was well documented among the Gupton household. The most thrilling part of this moment: my daughter Caitlyn enjoying in the spoils. Watching her boo the Smurf-colored Tar Heels while acknowledging how "bad" Carolina was made my heart swell with pride.
These are early, impressionable years. These are the years when my children are most vulnerable. It is for this reason I now present to you how to keep your children out of the grip of Satan's team. Through the steps listed below, you too can become the great Equalizer:
- DEMONIZE EVERYTHING SMURFY. Although it may be tempting -- Never, ever let your child watch any cartoon featuring the Smurfs. The mere sight of these little blue creatures could cause an affection for light blue.
- ENCOURAGE RED AS A FAVORITE COLOR. Remove any "Sky Blue," "Light Blue," or any close cousin crayons from your child's crayon box. If necessary, Replace with Red. In fact, it's not a bad idea to take out "Dark Blue," "Blue," "Royal Blue," or "Aqua" in the process. Removing "Gold" also reduces the likelihood your child will have an affection for Wake Forest.
- MONITOR TELEVISION VIEWING CAUTIOUSLY.We live in an era where there is a constant barrage of filth placed before our children on TV. No where is this more evident than in the local media, and to a less extent, ESPN and FOX Sports Net. If not monitored closely, your children may become the victims of vulgar, profane and salacious UNC propaganda. At the very least, you are protecting your child from irresponsible and harmful outbursts by the head Demon. (See Below).
- READ TO YOUR CHILDREN. Children develop early. Even as a baby, begin reading books to your child. Tim Peeler's "When March Went Mad" should be read regularly.
- GO TO MANY, MANY, MANY NC STATE ATHLETIC EVENTS. Basketball games and Football games will help water and nurture the seeds you have planted in your children's hearts. Likewise, Mr. Wuf and Mrs. Wuf will foster early desire.
- FOLLOW THE WOLFPACK ALL SEASON LONG. Even if you are traveling and must tune in to listen to the Pack instead of seeing them in person or on TV -- ONLY listen to Gary Hahn and Tony Hanes on the Wolfpack Radio Network. NEVER EVER tune in to the Carolina Radio Network for ANY REASON! The vile and often distorted bias of Woody Durham could potentially corrupt your child forever!
- POINT OUT THE MISERY OF CAROLINA FANS. Show pictures often (like those below) of Carolina when they fall into deep despair. Make sure to point out how unhappy they are. When in public, point out the snobbery and self-absorbed nature of any individual wearing Carolina propaganda.
- HONOR BILLY PACKER. Make sure you watch any Carolina-called game by Billy Packer. No discussion is necessary here.
- WEAR A RED BLAZER TO CHURCH. Dad should own a red blazer. Mom should own a hot red dress. (Mom doesn't need to wear the hot red dress to church. But, Mom should always be willing to wear the hot red dress for Dad. Or -- red lingerie. Regardless, Red is a color of passion -- Light Blue doesn't do it for any man in the bedroom.)
- DRINK COCA-COLA CLASSIC. This is the greatest Soft-Drink of all time. Pepsi Drinkers should be banished to a communist nation. It should be noted that Coke's logo is Red and White.
Following these simple rules have helped maintain a positive atmosphere. It is guaranteed to produce children who love their parents, as well as their schools.
Finally, there was simply no greater joy than the excitement and fun experienced in my household last night. Carolina's humiliating demise was the most exciting game of the NCAA tournament.
Rest assured, this house will always relish the demise of Carolina at the hands of any other foe. The despair, the anguish, the tears of UNC fans warmed my heart. With Carolina not attaining their ultimate goal, the universe is back in order once again. While my team's season ended long ago -- watching Carolina's failure helped make everything right once again.
See you next season, Tarheel fans.
Randy Gupton, fivesecondstoair.blogspot.com
